A Canadian gal living in Britain with 3 men and a dog. Wine helps.

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Sunday, September 16, 2007

The word crazy isn't in my blog title for no reason...

Rational me says that tomorrow morning I'm going to feel much better. Calm and easy-going me, knows that in a few days, even hours, this will pass and I will look back and wonder how I could let myself fall into this little corner of crazy I enter into at least twice a year.

Maybe I need psychological help. Maybe I'm beyond that. I have had psychological help before for variant reasons and I don't know if it helps. I think deep down we all have this little, tiny piece that is utterly and completely nuts. I like to think that I'm being half-way healthy, even if I save it all up until my head feels as if it might explode and then bang, I let it out. That has to be better than letting it all build up and not doing anything about it. I'm trying not to focus too much on it as I sit here tonight. I should be up in bed beside my husband but instead I choose to be downstairs drinking my diet pepsi and trying to get some work done, even thought its after midnight. Once finished this post, I'll get down to work. Sleep won't be coming easy tonight.

The damn inside me has been trying to break ever since I was the cause of a screw-up at work on Wednesday. I've received a load of support from my co-workers over it, and I do realize that I am human and prone to making mistakes, but I have such a feeling of disappointment hanging over my head. I haven't screwed up this big in well, never. And to do so at this point in the job just multiplies the level of disappointment I am feeling in myself. It'll pass, I'm sure of it, but at the moment, I'm really feeling it... and to talk about it in this forum is taking a lot of guts on my behalf. I'm not looking for a rub on the back to reaffirm that mistakes are made, I just want to be honest with myself - I know I'm not the only one who has made a mistake - I just have to learn from it and remember that its nothing to be wrapped in a blanket of humiliation over. We all go through tough moments in life, its just important to ensure we come out on the positive side...

Tonight though, Andy and I watched The Last Kiss, probably not such a good idea when I was feeling slightly out of sorts to begin with. I suppose because of this, it brought up a lot of old, forgotten emotions within me. It really made me angry and it got me thinking of certain unpleasant events in the long ago past. As I lay in bed my mind started whirling out of control, fretting over work, my broodiness, my family, going home, and these old, old memories. I thought my head was going to explode. But my husband was there for me tonight and he's spent the last hour and a half listening to me as I ventured into crazytown and back. But I'm back now, and feeling that little bit better.

Time to go and get some work done, leave that messed up place behind, at least for another 6-8 months :)

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