Brokedown

It’s the only way to describe how I’m feeling today. 

I always find the week of my period hard physically (let’s not even touch on emotionally).   I don’t know why it is that with age seems to come more difficult cycles.  I think because I’ve been doing the shred I’ve come through this cycle relatively ok, meaning I had something else to focus on besides the thought I'm constantly trying to walk through a river of tar;  surprisingly my back hasn't given me too much gyp this time round either.  Working out is a good way to keep strong and motivated, yet this week I have felt more exhausted than I have in a very long time.   My chest hasn’t felt right since my chest infection and although my breathing is reasonably ok, I constantly have a pain in what feels like my right lung.  I'm not sure if this ties in with the shoulder pain that I’m chalking up to the shred (I’m using heavier weights than normal).

And is there such a thing as ovary pain?  Because it sure feels like my left one is trying to force it’s way out through my hip. 

Brokedown I tell you; it’s how I feel.

I’m also not experiencing my usual ‘Friday feeling’;  I normally love Fridays… but because my husband isn’t coming home tonight it just does't feel like the weekend.  After the busy weekend we had last week with celebrating the birth of Jayden this will be quiet one.  In some ways I’m not complaining.  I could use a bit of downtime and at least I don't have to work.  My husband can't say the same.

Molly still has a multitude of skin allergies and last night something was up with her poor little mouth; her lips were all swollen up with what almost looked like blisters.  I gave her an antihistamine which seemed to help as her mouth was much less inflamed this morning;  I will keep a close watch and see how it goes.  I can’t even begin to imagine what’s caused this latest reaction.

I do apologise that this post is a high on the whinge factor, however  I’m cognizant of the fact that I’ve been a bad blogger and need to increase the number of my posts (I want to surpass my total from last year - good luck to me on that).  So there you have it, a whinging post is better than no post at all. 

However I will end my post with this cheerful photo: 

The Great Grandparents :) 

I think I've started something here...

I love the feeling of knowing I've already done my workout in the morning and that after a long day at work the choice is mine if I want to partake in more exercise or just chill out (on top of anything else that life might demand during any given day).  Like today... I can't stop thinking that I don't have to shred tonight, so boo-yah!  Normally I can't stop thinking about having to do the shred.  Either way it seems like I'm always thinking about it one way or another.  Better this I suppose, than constantly thinking about food, although food does come in with a close second.  Working out is hard on the appetite (sorry I'm not telling you something you don't already know).

Some of you may remember that in November 2010 I embarked on the 30 Day Shred with Jillian Michaels.  I stuck to it and with the exception of missing one day due to illness, managed to complete it.  Because I didn't maintain an overly healthy diet, I only lost about three pounds.  What I did lose though, were inches and managed to change my shape.  Which of course didn't last as I didn't stick with a viable work out in the ensuing months.

This time will be different.  I have a few goals to work towards, and although my diet hasn't been quite as good as it should be, I can already feel the effect it's having and I'm only halfway through.  This time around is also different because once I started talking about doing the shred again it encouraged a colleague to borrow my DVD and do it herself in March. Other colleagues over heard our discussions about the workout and now there are at least six of us at work doing it.  My friend Ali and I started on the same day (April 10th) and whenever it's time to switch a level, we do it together.  It's a lot easier to stick with it when  you know you aren't the only one completing the challenge.  Sure, it's enough for me to challenge myself but no way will I be quitting when there are others out there completing it as well.  Besides, it may be tough but it's not that bad.  I'm also trying to get in a bit more cardio after the daily shred, via taking Molly on extended walks or racing with her on my bike but the weather has been very uncooperative.  I'm also hoping that if I can get the shred done before work (like today)  I might also make it to the gym some evenings. What makes this hard is having Andy away and not wanting to leave Molly on her own after being at work all day (her granddad walking her at lunch doesn't make up for this).

I'm also not being so hard on myself if I miss a day.  I'm on day 16 and so far have missed two, both because of unexpected plans.  If I'd done the workout in the morning I wouldn't have missed but I'm not going to beat myself up over it. I'm working out, trying to eat 'sensibly' and incorporating extra cardio in when I can; I also plan to continue on with it at least three times a week for the foreseeable future.  I want to not only be fitter this summer, but a little bit more toned.  Ok, a lot more toned but let's start with this.

He's Here

On Wednesday morning he finally made his appearance: 

Jayden Tyler, weight 6lbs 12oz  

He and his mummy are doing just fine, as is Alex, who seems pretty chilled with it all (so far at least). I still can't get my head around the fact that he is a dad.  It only seems like yesterday when I had to go into his room every night to remove his glasses and turn off his lights/TV after he'd fallen asleep.  

The baby is gorgeous and I'm so looking forward to getting to know him as we watch him grow.  I still can't figure out what on earth this child is going to call me, because I really don't feel old enough to be a Nanny or a Grandma, yet at the same time, I know that is what I'm going to be to this child.  Maybe he will decide for himself, no matter what name I finally decide on. 

The family are all coming around to the house tomorrow to meet him;  I'm so relieved he is finally here, safe and sound.  

Distracted

Thought I'd better write a post today as it's been ages since the last time I had something to say;  well that's not exactly true...  I've had lots to say (when don't I?), however it's been crazy at work and by the time I get home I'm not really in a mood to be on line, other than surfing the next via my i-phone.

Here's what's been going on at Casa Del McAllenby (in brief form):

• We had a quiet Easter, which was nice - although I used it as an excuse to eat way too much chocolate.
• We managed to book our flights to Canada (not sure if I've already mentioned this) in August and got a fair price which is great, especially since we are flying with Air Canada and not the usual summer charter.
• I've started the 30 Day Shred again.  Today will be the 7th day and so far so good, my eating is even under control (more or less).
• Andy has started working away for two weeks at a time and it's an adjustment getting used to him being gone for so long.  This weekend was particularly strange because my friend Emily turned 40 and we threw a party for her at the house; it seemed so odd not having Andy there, but at the same time it gave me something to do to pass what would otherwise be a quiet and long weekend without him.
• I've not been sleeping particularly well.  It started about two weeks ago when Andy began going away for extended periods, although I'm not completely sure this is the reason my sleep has been broken.  I can tell you that last night I didn't sleep much at all past 3:30 am because I got the exciting call that Bonnie's water has broken and it looks like the baby will be coming today, or tomorrow at the latest.  

It's hard to focus on much else to be honest!

You didn't need to cut me off...

Most of the friendships I have made throughout life’s journey have been pretty amazing. I have been extremely blessed to have met so many good people who have remained my friend, despite the fact that we are often thousands of miles apart. And now that I live in the UK I have met and become very close to some very special people. So much so that the thought of moving back to Canada is hard to think about at times, even though I know deep down that that is where my heart still remains. (I’m sure I’ve mentioned it more than once on this blog.)

Tasha (my step-daughter) has been talking to me quite a bit recently about a friendship she has that seems to be breaking down and how she’s not so sure she wants to work at keeping it afloat; I understand where she is coming from. Friendships shouldn’t have to be hard work, however like any relationship they don’t come without a modicum of effort. It’s down to us how much effort we are willing to expend for different people. I have had many types of friendships i.e. work related, casual and very intimate. I often only manage to see or talk to the majority of my friends rarely yet when I do reconnect with most of them, it’s like we were never apart; to me this is what constitutes real friendship. What does niggle me about the odd friendship or two though, is when it seems to always be one person that has to make the effort. I tend to give up on those friendships after awhile, once I’ve determined exactly how long it takes for said friend to actually re-engage. So we drift; it's sad but unfortunately it happens.

I’ve been fairly lucky though when it comes to 'the staying in touch aspect' of friendship. I’d like to think it’s been an even playing field for the most part, yet sometimes I know I’m the one who is guilty of not making a phone call or sending a text just to say hello.

I’ve also had friendships that I thought were long over, that had fallen (or been pushed) off a cliff never to be recovered, only to find out after a few years that it had landed on a ledge and was going to be saved. Those friendships have been hard to climb back into, especially when years had passed and momentous events had taken place in both our lives. I don’t think they have ever quite gotten back to the comfortable, easy place they’d been initially, which is understandable in one way considering the miles that separate us; anyone would understand that building bridges aren’t so easy from opposite sides of the Atlantic ocean.

I have one friend though who I had been incredibly close to since the age of 15 and our friendship ended abruptly 11 years after it began. To this day (10 years on) I still don’t know why. She’d stopped talking to me once before over a guy (I won’t go into the reasons, this post is long enough), however once she decided she was no longer angry at me I let her come back because I missed her.  However I informed her that I wouldn’t be able to go through something like that again. And I meant it, because when she tried to make contact about five years ago I couldn’t bring myself to go down that road again. It’s different when you have a falling out with someone and actually know why a friendship ends, but when you are cut off, with no explanation as to why, well that’s a hard one to get over. No break up with a man has ever caused me so much grief. I was left in limbo with no clue to as to what I’d done. When I’ve done something wrong I often fess up and can admit it, even if I’m not sorry. I honestly couldn’t find any memory (and still can’t) of what I could have done to upset her in such a way that she wanted nothing to do with me again. I only have a vague suspicion, a reason I grasped at that might possibly explain her actions, but who really knows except her? I know this happens in many relationships, though mainly between couples who are involved romantically. And trust me, I’ve had a few difficult break-ups with men, yet they were only in my life for a short time compared to this friend. It took me a long time to get past it and I don’t think I’ve ever really gotten over it. I think if she’d tried to reconnect sooner I might have been able to consider the possibility but not since moving overseas and starting a whole new life; one that she really has no place in anymore.

So when I hear Somebody That I Used to Know by Gotye, a song that I adore, it makes me think of her and not an old boyfriend. And although I love the song, it makes me sad that it reminds me of her.

This verse especially brings so much back:

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make it like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
And you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know.

Friendships: they can be as risky as any relationship yet worth the risk and effort of letting someone new into your life, especially when they turn out to be life-long. Some are definitely easier to get over then others when they end, yet one might come along that doesn’t work out and you will spend your life trying to forget it. You can chuck someone out of your life but forgetting them is easier said than done.