Where you invest your love, you invest your life... (Awake My Soul)

Lately I have been reading a number of blogs wherein my friends say that they wish they could be open and honest with their posts regarding current family issues, however as some subjects are of a delicate nature, they have to refrain, especially when the blog is open to a number of family readers. One friend has actually given up one blog to begin another that I don’t believe she is sharing with family.

I have always been forthright when I write my posts, perhaps too much so on the odd occasion; however there are some subjects that I have to refrain from for just this reason. When I first relocated to England, I found myself frustrated and angry and often wrote about my feelings regarding my husband’s former relationship and how difficult everything didn’t need to be. However I deleted those posts as a) I didn’t want to be that person, and b) I had no idea who was reading my blog…

Eight years on, I’m glad I did this because I know for a fact the kids know about this blog, as do their mother. For a long time I debated giving it up and starting another one that they didn’t have access to, or at least opening it to invited readers only. It’s no secret that Andy’s ex and I are not friends (that ship sailed a few years back despite my attempts to be amiable for the sake of the kids). I think most of my fellow readers would also agree that it’s not always ideal when your step-kids (or kids) have access to one’s most serious thoughts. This blog after all, has always been a form of therapy to me; so far, it’s kept me off the happy pills. Andy has asked me to not give up on this blog as it’s been a major player in my life for well over eight years, and why should I change it? I don’t write nasty paragraphs about anybody I know personally and if the kids don’t like the fact that I sometimes groan about how frustrating it can be raising another woman’s child, then guess what? They don’t have to read it. On the odd occasion when I have mentioned a particularly trying moment I’m experiencing in relation to the kids, it’s based on my perception of how it’s making me feel at any given time. I don’t share personal details because my posts are not primarily about them, they are about me and how I may or may not be handling a given situation.

This year has been one of the hardest yet in relation to dealing with familial issues. It’s had me re-evaluating my relationship with Andy’s kids and although I’m not willing to share what exactly has been going on, it’s fair enough to say that yet again another relationship has broken down, causing me to accept the fact that after putting my heart and soul into assisting Andy raise his children, I’m now taking a back seat. Please don’t think for a moment that it means I don’t love them any less. Love can’t be turned off like a faucet, however fortunate or not this may be.

Parenting is a thankless job at times, raising teenagers is hard enough but add a broken family into the mix and it becomes that much harder. I think perhaps I took the wrong road all those years ago. My heart bled for Andy’s children who had so much to contend with and I often put myself second, as so many ‘mothers’ do. I think a cool, hands-off approach would have served me better, even though it goes against the grain of my nature. However it would have saved me a lot of hassle and heart-ache. My sister-in-law probably had the right idea all along when it came to step-parenting.

Don’t get me wrong, although the past eight years have been filled with a lot of unnecessary BS, there have been a number of good times, more good times than bad and Andy and I still remain strong and united. However I have done a lot of thinking over the last week and I’ve decided that I’m finished with all the drama and that I’m going to live my life with my husband and no more looking back. What’s happened has happened and I’m not even going to bother to try and fix it… I’ve been there/done that and I’m finished with that role… the kids are all out of the house now, mostly grown. They have a mum and dad (as well as extended family members/friends) that they can turn to should they need it.

Sorry, but this well has run dry.