A Canadian gal living in Britain with 3 men and a dog. Wine helps.

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Tuesday, March 28, 2006

The Clock is A-Tickin

All throughout my twenties I indulged myself in having a good time - whether it be out eating and drinking with friends, travelling to hot spots or just enjoying a good old lazy day in bed till 3:00 if I so chose.

Naturally I always wondered about settling down and having children, but I never gave it too much thought as that was something I figured I'd get around to in my 30's. My 20's were going to be for me. And they were - to the fullest. I did however spend just over two years in a relationship in the latter part of my 20's where I thought marriage might possibly be a result, and if so, children. I had a friend who was in her 30's and her obessesive quest to find and hold a man and possibly have children used to drive me insane at times. I tried to tell her to relax, that her attitude was only scaring potential men away as her need was so obviously and desperately written all over her countenance. She used to tell me that I'd understand someday (she'd been saying this since I was 23) and I have to say, I've never reached that point. Maybe because I've never really had an issue with being on my own. Not having trouble meeting men probably helped as well. WHen I did decide to date a certain guy though, I always had one rule: Never date a man with children. I didn't want to involve myself in this for two reasons: 1) What if I grew attached to these kids and the relationship flopped, and 2) A man with kids might not want any of his own. The guy I was with in my latter 20's didn't have children and it was just a given that if we did marry, we would have children. So although I always said I was on the fence about kids, I knew it was something that I probably wanted - someday.

I remember going to a fortune teller who was very astute and she told me things about my past she couldn't possibly know, but did. She told me things about my future that I didn't really believe, but always kept in a distant area of my memory. She informed me that I would marry a man from overseas, a man who possibly wore a uniform (hrrrmmm I bet she wasn't the only one thinking those thoughts) was very tall with a greyish, receding hairline. She also told me that she saw three children, one which she believed wasn't my own, but possibly this man's from a former relationship.

I got to thinking about this the other day due to a conversation I was having with a colleague, but also because it was British Mother's Day here on Sunday.

On Sunday morning I was woken up with very cheery Happy Mother's Day wishes and gifts from the boys and breakfast in bed from Andy.

The card from the kids this year wasn't 'To someone who is like a mother to me' as it was last year, it was a cutesy card that said 'To the one who makes this house a home' and on the inside: 'from the ones who make it a mess'. (On the cover was a cartoon of a boy sticking his head in the door calling 'hiya mum'). I had never in my life envisaged myself in this particular position and I honestly can say that on Sunday I honestly couldn't have felt less a mother than if the kids were my own natural children. After all, I spend my time running around picking up after them, tucking them into bed at night, getting them ready for school, getting loads of cuddles from both boys and etc. etc.

Which brings me back to the psychic. Here I am at 33 with a ready made family. My husband is from another country, he is tall and greying, and I have three children in my life. None of whom are mine naturally, but I am very very close to the youngest two, so maybe this is what was 'seen' in my future... who knows? What I do know is that because I have these children in my life, and a great husband who makes life that much more special do I really need anything more?

There is so much Andy and I want to do as a couple - so many places we want to see. Life is good for us and I'm enjoying the way it is at the moment, with the only major downfall being so far away from my loved ones back home. But on a regular basis I am being asked by other women when I am going to have a child of my own with Andy, or being told that I would make such a great mom. I think about these things myself on a regular basis. One week I want children of my own so desperately its not funny, but the other three weeks of the month I don't want it. There are so many pros to having children, but there are so many cons as well. But this is only something for Andy and I to decide and I don't know what the bottom line will be. I was going to do a list of why we should versus why we shouldn't, but what is the point really? I try not to think of the reasons why I don't really want to consider a child of my own, such as being so far away from home and the constant supply of friends and family. If I'm honest - that reason could be a reason to have a child as well. But part of me has to acknowledge that I had I stayed in Nova Scotia and married someone without kids, I don't think this would be as mind boggling a decision as it is now.

Life... it really has a way of throwing a curve ball at you.

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