A Canadian gal living in Britain with 3 men and a dog. Wine helps.

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Wednesday, April 12, 2006

I'll eat my humble pie with an audience...

When I began posting a few years back I made it a rule to never blog about the aspects of my personal life with Andy. In most of my past relationships I never hesitated to ring my one of my friends and have a right go at the latest thing HE had done to piss me off, upset me, or just leave me feeling drained. My relationship with Andy is very different from all others that I have experienced and especially now that we are married, I refuse to ring up a pal and have a proper moan after every little dispute. I don't even feel the urge most times.

I'm still sticking to my rule, but I'm bending it just slightly. This post won't go into much personal detail, but I do have to get something off my chest, more of how I'm feeling rather what traspired exactly between my husband and I.

Last night I went to bed just after nine to read and wind down as I wasn't feeling so well. I read until nearly 10:30 and thought I was ready to go to sleep. But last night turned into one of those nights where I toss and turn restlessly, fading in and out of bizarre dreams. Once again, I was awake more then I was asleep. I was up around 3 a.m. to let Molly out and as our back door tends to slam very loudly if you don't shut it with care, I took extra care to make sure I shut it gently as sound seems to magnify x10 in a dark house. Only trouble is, our handle sticks from time to time and unfortunately I had to jar it quite hard to get the key to lock. When I went back upstairs I will only say it was quite evident that Andy wasn't impressed. In my defense it wasn't as if I'd slammed the door, or made the noise on purpose. I wasn't going to get into it with him though at that hour of the night.

This morning, just after seven, when Andy came in to say good-bye, we chatted for a few minutes about the night gone by and how he had found me a bit tetchy, likely from not feeling the best. I agreed and stated that I was still feeling touchy and irritable and before I knew it I had waged a full-scale row with him. To say I feel like shit about it is an understatement.

I absolutely abhor falling out with him before he goes to work, hell I don't really like arguing with him much at all. All week though, I have felt a sort of disquiet that has been welling up in me and it was only a matter of time before it erupted. Andy unfortunately was the one who ended up being at the receiving end. I'm not saying he's completely blameless, we are still trying to sort out a few issues he's carried over from his 15 years with the Ex, but there was still no reason for me to rage at him in such a way at the beginning of his work day.

When it comes to husbands I honestly think I was right in waiting for Andy. He is the most considerate, loving and generous man I have ever come across in the long list of men I have dated. I never doubt that I made the wrong decision in choosing him to be my life partner and its times when I'm feeling the way I am that I like to stop and remember our first summer together in Nova Scotia where it was just the two of us, discovering who the other person was. Its an understatement to say that since we've made a life together here in England that we have had our share of stresses and naturally, as with any marriage, it won't ever be the same as it was in the beginning. I can say in all honesty that what we have now is even more special than what we had four years ago. It is, however, nice sometimes to reflect on those magical summer evenings and why I fell in love with this man, and continue to love him still.

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