There & Back

We made a round trip to Heathrow yesterday in order for Gary and Heather to catch their flight home.  It was a beautiful sunny day and as it was a bank holiday here in the UK, traffic was fairly light and we made great time.  It was an uneventful journey, save for the fact that we hit two birds less than an  hour into it.  One didn't move out of the road in time; the 2nd  (about 15 mins later) pinged off our roof in its quest to take off.  Gary said it kept flying although how I don't know, and I'm not sure if I believe him.  I hated it it, but it is a hazard of driving at that time of the morning; birds are everywhere due to all the roadkill during the night.

Last night the house seemed really quiet and Andy and I just took it easy.  I had a long bath and enjoyed a glass (or two) of wine.  I really miss my family when they go.  Yes, its nice to get back into the regular routine of everyday life, however I adore having family stay and to me its not like I have guests.  Its my family after all, someone from my part of the world and it just feels so great to have them here.  I never have a problem sharing my kitchen, and aside from running the hoover and wiping down kitchen and bathroom surfaces, I don't get upset that I have less time to worry about housework.

We had a really great weekend together that I'm going to post about another day.

Today, I'm feeling a little low.  Last night I had a little meltdown of sorts, most likely brought on by over-tiredness and the fact that I'm always a little sad when I get back from dropping loved ones off at Heathrow.  Also, the thing that brings me down occasionally knocked on my door last night and punched me in the face when I opened it.

And I look like I've had a night from hell, which always makes one feel better eh?

I won't go into the reasons for why this happened last night (there are many), though one reason is that I  sometimes find it hard to always put on a bright face and be excited for Everyone Else.  I am happy for Everyone Else, I truly am;  I try to remain positive and think about all the blessings in my life whilst keeping my true feelings buried - and I do a good job of it, most of the time.  I know I fool most people but I can't fool the one person I wish I could. 

Anyway, I'm just feeling tired and head-achy which I know will pass. The sun is shining today and this week I will get back to the much neglected gym.

I can't wait to upload the pictures from Friday; we had an unexpected, last minute night out by the fire pit and as usual the food was great, the music was pumping, the wine and laughter was flowing and naturally there was loads of dancing.  Of course I captured it all on camera.

Hopefully I will be back tomorrow with the photos :)

The Lakes

I can't believe we are almost at the end of Heather and Gaz's second week here.  It has been a whirlwind of a time and we have truly loved their company.  Its obvious that they are comfortable here and this, more than anything is what makes my heart sing. I love opening up our home to our Canadian contingent and the fact that everyone always seems to feel so at home is the best reward. 

At the moment they are both in the kitchen, cooking dinner for me and my boys. It is smelling wonderful; I thought I'd take the extra down time (since I don't have to cook) to upload a few pictures from our weekend in the Lakes.

Of course Molly had to go for a swim as soon as we reached the B&B and I was delighted that Sharon, the owner had gotten a dog since my last visit.  Molly and Roger hit it off straight away. He decided to join us on our walk.  (It was hard not to bring this little guy home with us).

On the grounds surrounding the farmhouse :)

The farmhouse - Waterside House

Gary and Roger taking a rest after the walk :)

On Saturday morning we got up to go canoeing and kayaking on Lake Windermere.  It was very choppy and the lake was busy with much bigger boats, however Heather did great considering it was her first time.  Molly, as per the first time she was in a canoe, was a disgrace and had to go wait in the truck under the shade (after a swim). Therefore we cut our lake time short, however as it was so rough on the water, we didn't mind.

We tested our endurance that afternoon and took a hike up one of the many surrounding peaks.  It was hard going in places, but thoroughly worth the hike.  The weather was gorgeous, Molly was in her element and the scenery was stunning. 

At the summit

(everyone chuckles at my hiking outfit, however they admitted they'd all want to be near me if we got lost ;)

We saw some really interesting and quirky structures along the way:

Pathetically, needless to say we were all ready to call it a night by 9:30 that evening.

The next morning we woke up to rain, but still managed to squeeze in a little hike up to a waterfall before we headed back home.

I don't really have any other good shots to post from the waterfalls hike as the photos are spotted with rainwater.

Tomorrow we are off to Lincoln to do some shopping and take in the sights. 

Have I mentioned that I love having my family to visit?

How do you like your cider?

On Sunday morning my cousin Heather and her partner Gary (us English contingent prefer to call him Gaz) arrived from St. John's to spend two weeks with us.  As their flight arrived at 6:22 am, Andy and I drove down to London on the Saturday to have a night on our own in the Big Smoke. 

We've been having a great time so far and after practically running the streets of London for 2.5 days (my husband walks very quickly), my hips & knees are just now starting to feel ok. I won't talk about the blisters across most of my toes; and yes, I had comfortable shoes on.  Well, with the exception of Saturday night that is.  I had to rock the new shoes I'd bought, they looked classic with the 1940's style dress I was wearing.  I'm sorry but it is London after all and a gal gets tired of looking like a slap-happy tourist all the time.  

Thank goodness the hotel we stayed in on Sunday night was nothing short of fabulous and I was able to take a long, hot soak in the glorious bathtub on Sunday afternoon whilst the jet-lagged tourists took a few hours to re-fuel.  With London hotels, sometimes you get lucky, sometimes you don't.  We struck gold this time and at £85 a night and a glass of Cava upon arrival, one can't complain.  The freebies in the bathroom rivaled that of any first-class flight.

(This picture is only a small corner and does not do the room justice)

I've been trying to make sensible food choices this week, however Heather and Gaz are in love with cider: pear/apple/strawberry, it doesn't matter what flavour, they adore it.  I think they've already been through three bottles of Jacques.  Magner's Pear is their favourite by far (rightly so) and they cannot believe you can buy it by the case at the local grocery store for less than £10.  (They are going to have multiple orgasms when we take them to Brandy Wharf, a local pub that specialises in a huge selection of ciders). I haven't been indulging as much as I could, since I still have to work three days each week as well as be mindful of the calorie intake and lack of gym going. 

However this weekend will be different, as I'm off tomorrow for a four day weekend and before I take the two newfies to Lincoln to do some sight seeing and shopping, I'm getting up early to hit the gym.  On Saturday we leave for the Lake District to kayak and hike.  I can't wait to get up there, because alongside of Mersey River it is my most favourite place to be.  

I promise to post some photos soon.  

Not only words

Sometimes, when I have time on my hands, I like to go back and read through previous posts from years past to see what was going on or reflect over fond memories i.e. our wedding/trips abroad.  One of the very best bits of perusing these old posts has always been the comments my readers left.  I love knowing you stopped by for a visit and enjoyed what you read.  I'd offer you a cuppa for the duration of your stay if I could :)  There have been a few posts over the years that have generated a number of comments that I always cherished, some funny, some inspiring and some downright surprising, like a comment not so long ago from an author, Ann Weisgarber, who wrote The Personal History of Rachel Dupree, a book I thoroughly enjoyed. The post wasn't about the book but was either about the birth of my niece or my mom being sick (I hate how the two coincide; such a joyous occasion mixed with a such a scary one), however Anne dropped me a comment to say thanks for the four stars I gave her book and wished my family well.  It meant a lot.  All of my comments do, even if they aren't in agreement to what I'm writing about on any given day.
In 2005 I posted a photo of my braless self in a see-through top in support of a blogging campaign my sister had done re breast cancer and it generated more comments than almost any other post I've published (I wonder why??)  I've received so many great comments in relation to my travel posts, or when I've been bluntfully honest about the hard moments throughout this journey of mine, especially mom's cancer and I have always loved re-reading those.

And now they are all gone. 

This week I was reading through a few of the older posts and it made me sad that I have lost every single comment prior to June of this year, when I re-vamped this site. It was a complete mistake on my part and I should have known better; I've only been blogging for seven years.  It hit me hard when I made this major faux pas, however I didn't realize just how much I had lost until I went back over these posts and the realization hit me of exactly what was lost to me.  Forever; and it stings.   But what can you do? 

Well what I've decided to do is revisit a few of my favourites from years gone past.  For many of you, it will be repetitive, however I hope you don't find it too terribly monotonous.  (I won't do it often, just from time to time, as  reflection of times gone by).

Because it was five years ago at the end of July, I thought I'd re-publish this photo. (The post wasn't a favourite of mine, however the comments were.)  There was definitely an angel in the car with us on that rainy Thursday night, considering we walked away with only minor injuries:

I'm not going to publish the whole post, as its quite lengthy. If you do want to read it, you will find the whole story here.

Andy and I received so many words of love and support after I posted about this horrendous event in our life and although I've lost those words forever, I haven't forgotten how many of you showed you cared.  Although many of us may be far apart in geographical terms, this blogging world brings us all a bit closer together.

Got milk?

This weekend Andy and I were out on the field with Molly and as usual, Andy was hitting tennis balls with a racket for Molly to run after.  We've had to take it easy with this game as Molly's back leg has been giving her some pain in recent weeks due to a slight touch of arthritis.  One of her favourite games is when Andy hits the ball high, and it comes down at quite an arch.  She never takes her eye off it and has herself strategically placed to jump for it when it lands.  Its a beautiful sight to see, her lithe body jumping through the air to catch the ball when it bounces.  I swear, sometimes she gets four feet off the ground.  Sadly, we have to refrain from doing this as it's just too hard on her joints.  As the vet said, labs weren't made for jumping.  Chewing through your kitchen table and eating like a starved vagabond yes, but not jumping.   However sometimes its hard to resist and Saturday was one of these days.  Andy couldn't help himself and fired up to send one high.  I had reminded him not to do it and as the ball bounced up from the ground after his second shot, I reached out my hand to retrieve it.  It was just at a moment when Andy pulled back and swung for one more go; we heard the crunch as that racket hit my hand.  I think I was in slight shock and had to think about what had just happened; I didn't have long to ponder as the pain hit fast and hard; kind of like the racket.  Fuck me (yes I swore), that sucker hurt.  I grabbed my fingers and held them to stop the burning pain and was walking away toward home as I tried to fight back the tears. 

Andy was behind me asking me to stop and come back so he could look.  I finally got myself together and went back.  I think he was afraid my fingers were broken and that he was going to end up with a racket up his ass.  But luckily enough my fingers weren't broken, just badly bruised and it wasn't any body's fault that I was stupid enough to put my hand out for that ball. 

My fingers were slightly bruised and oddly enough, on Sunday other than some dark colouring, they were almost back to normal.  Technically, they probably should have been broken or sprained, but they weren't.  I suppose I just have strong bones, because when you look back on the following events its I wonder I haven't been in a cast several times over (and these are just a few instances):

When I was approximately eight years old, I was coasting down the hill near our apartment building and swerved to miss something. I was thrown over my handlebards and landed full on my hand.  My fingers bent straight back, yet didn't snap. Lucky girl...

When I was 23 I was in a bar on George Street in St John's Newfoundland; I missed three steps coming of the elevated dance floor and landed hard on my side, twisting my ankle in the process.  It was so swollen I couldn't get my cowboy boot off (yes, I said cowboy boot) for almost 24 hours; I just kept dropping ice down into it until I could get my foot out.  (No, I was not cutting my boot off, I loved those shit kickers.) My ankle was badly sprained, but defintely not broken.

Although I'm a terrible skier, I submitted myself to a few trips with Sandra and Cat.  During one of these trips, I was hurtling down a slope I should not have been on and because I couldn't figure out how to stop, I headed for Sandra, who had stopped to wait for me; I slammed straight into her, went up and over her and landed on my shoulders, just below my neck.  Ski patrol happened to be right there and came running over yelling at me not to move.  They were in disbelief when I sat up and said 'God, am I embarrased' (Lucky I'm used to that feeling). Again, nothing broken but sore and tender for a few days after.

Cat and I were on a night out one evening not long after I'd started dating Andy.  I didn't see a pothole in the sidewalk and of course, stepped straight into it; I fell so hard and awkwardly I not only tore the skin off my knees, but both of my ankles rolled in such a way that I had quarter sized pieces of skin torn off the tops of my feet, right above where shoe laces tie up.  How the hell does that happen???  I couldn't wear my trainers or shoes for a few weeks after due to my swollen ankles and the wounds on the top of my feet.  Good thing it was summer and I like flip flops.

I won't go into the number of times I have fallen and landed on my hands and knees, other than to highlight a few more instances of my un-graceful behaviour: tripping over a step whilst leaving Venus Pizza in downtown Halifax at 2 am; rushing through a train station in Italy and falling over someone's suitcase; stumbling over a root during a walk in the Yorkshire Dales... each and every time the end result was a very painful landing on all fours.  I have incredibly small wrists and the fact that they have withheld the bulk of my body without snapping is astounding. My knees however, have paid the price of this constant abuse and although nothing has ever broken, these pups probably won't see me through to my golden years. 

So... I have to wonder was it all the homoginized milk (gross) I drank while growing up?  Or the grilled cheese sandwiches (yum) mom made us for lunch?  Perhaps its the yoghurt and cheese I continue to consume on a daily basis... Good bone genes? It could be anything.  Oh why couldn't it have been great skin genes?  Yet would I trade these sturdy bones for better skin?  I want to say yes, but not a chance. I can (mostly) cover up my blemishes.  A cast is not something I don't want to wear on a regular basis and if you take away my strong bones and add that to my clumsiness I fear that is exactly what would happen.  I'll take what I have thanks, and prepare myself for my next mishap.

Batter Up!

Many of my readers are aware of the fact that I have bizarre sleep patterns; despite this each night I look forward to crawling into bed with a great book and a glass of water on the nightstand.  Andy has tried unsuccessfully over the years to get me to turn the light out when he is done doing his crossword and is ready to go to sleep. Because I have the touch lamp on the lowest setting (which I must say is very low), I often continue to read for awhile longer and sometimes he complains.  I therefore only read for about 15 minutes when often I could easily read for twice that long.  (Note: occasionally when I'm really tired I only manage a page or two and put my book down before Andy is ready to sleep).  I also am aware that some nights, like last night he has a very early start (5:00 am) the next day and I won't read for very long at all, so you see, I can be understanding and meet him halfway.

My point though is that Andy has always known that I like to read before going to sleep, that on nights when I don't read prior to turning the lights out I am often unsettled, unable to drift off for sometimes hours; and then we both lose sleep.  I've pointed out numerous times that we have two extra bedrooms, with a bed in each that he is more than welcome to. Heck, I'd even sleep in one of the extra beds if it meant he can go to sleep in a room without a lamp on (at its lowest setting)  if it bothers him that much.  But he doesn't want that and nor do I.  As much as I tease him, I don't mind sharing a room (I'm used to it after all) and have actually become much more thoughtful toward my roommate now that I'm no longer a teenager who consistently stays up until 6 am talking on the phone to whomever the flavour of the week is. 

Its also fair to inform you that I've had to adapt to wearing ear plugs at night because believe it or not, my husband isn't a perfect roommate either - he snores.  It was an adjustment but I dealt with it.  (I'd had a bit of practice when I briefly shared a room with my sister Sandra - that girl snored like a freight train coming through the room at 100 mile an hour; it was so obnoxiously loud it was a wonder I didn't smother her.)

But back to my initial ramble.

I actually like knowing Andy is there beside me at night, curled into me (when I'm in the mood for cuddling that is) and ready to calm me down when I wake up with my peculiar night terrors.  I'm beginning to think though that our sleeping arrangement might not last much longer if this strange nocturnal behaviour continues;  it's getting pretty dangerous for my husband to actually share a bed with me.  Up until now its just been shouting out, crying, laughing like a hyena or seeing things that only I can see (in other words, that aren't there). 

However the other morning my actions turned a corner.  I was jolted wide awake by my husband shouting the words 'What the fuck?????' I was startled and I too jumped up. It may be hard to believe but this is not the way we normally get out of bed in the morning;  It turns out I had pressed my face into his back and... are you ready for this people? 

I bit him.  I bit my husband's back while he was peacefully snoring beside me.

Luckily enough he moved fast enough so that I wasn't able to sink my teeth in far enough to break the skin.  He was a little peeved, I was a little shocked.  But not so shocked I didn't roar with laughter.  I mean, seriously - who does that? It was so insane and unbelievable that I could only laugh.  Oddly enough I can vaguely remember what my dream was and it did involve biting something, just not my husband.  Still, I couldn't stop laughing and even after he braved getting back in beside me I was still laughing.  Kudos to him, so was he. 

This week has passed with a fair amount of teasing regarding what happened, small references being made about my eating more at night so I don't wake up hungry. And still, Andy is determined that it won't drive him out of our room and for that I'm pleased - I honestly did not do that on purpose, it wasn't a devious plan to get him into another bed.  He is brave to continue to sleep with me and I love him for that even though I don't think I could brave it if was the reverse.  I did speak to a  professional about this behaviour though and my feelings were only re-affirmed:

Not much can be done about this; I'm not prepared to take medication for it as there isn't any guarantee that it will solve the problem.  This sleep issue isn't actually my problem, not really  as its technically Andy who has to sleep with one eye open; just as his snoring isn't his problem, its mine as it doesn't keep him awake at night, just me.

Give and take.  That's what being in a marriage is all about.

However it is an added bonus when both people are able to go to sleep without being kept awake by the dull roar of a helicopter in the bed, or the fear of what might happen to you physically during the night, but even more concerning, the thought that your bedmate might pull a baseball bat out from under the bed in defence of potential biting hazards.

Thank God I left all my baseball bats in Nova Scotia...:)

I'm Smiling

This weekend has been a good one for me, even though we watched a rather heart-wrenching documentary about the Boxing Day Tsunami of 2004.  It rather puts life in perspective...

What has made me smile this weekend:

First of all, was buying three books for £10, one of which is this:

This is by the same author of The Time Travellers Wife, a book I read and thoroughly enjoyed years before the movie was released.  I am already halfway through and although I'm not clear of the direction, I am engrossed.

The second thing that has made me happy:

Shopping with my husband to buy bedding, curtains,  etc for the spare room, better known as Stacy's room.  Although my cousin and her partner will be sharing it for two weeks in August (yay!), and Andy's sister and her partner (Ali and Scott) will sleep here on their visits up from Nottingham, I am decorating  it with the thought of it being my sister's room in a few short months.

The third occurrence that has made me very very happy:

Arriving home to find that my husband has secured a flight to visit Ontario on the 3rd of October for two weeks.  We will get to catch up with old friends and family (both of my sisters and brothers-in-law), celebrate not only our anniversary, but Thanksgiving out there, and best of all meet my niece:  

Clara & Mommy

Daddy & Clara

I cannot wait to get my hands on this little sweetheart.  I honestly can't.

Not ready for the psych ward (yet)

I work with psychologists who tie in very closely with the psychiatric community. The people I work with assure me I’m not nuts. My friend and boss promises me that I don’t have some kind of strange disorder. When I look around,  its quite easy to be in agreement with them.

My husband, well I’m not so sure he believes I don’t need some kind of therapy or at least super strength meds, because ultimately, he is the one that feels the brunt of my ‘strange days’. This past weekend was not the best for me as I had three consecutive sad days; we could call it a short holiday in the Pit of Despair if you prefer. Or I might have this idea that he thinks I’m slightly unhinged because he comes right out and says it, especially when I tell him things like I did this morning. I told him that I woke up twice during the night, my face wet with tears and the feeling of horrible loss upon me. (He is away for work this week.) He says these things while he is smiling (I can tell) but deep down I wouldn’t be surprised if he wasn’t joking.  Either way, I know he loves me just the same.  (Besides, what he's had to contend with in his previous relationship makes  my bizarre sleep patterns and occasional moments of unease seem like a walk in the park.)

We laughed as we discussed all the ways that I act like a person with serious mental health problems. But then we got serious as we talked through the reasons I might be waking myself up with such horrible dreams:

I’m at a stage in my life where I know I won’t ever have my own child and while I’ve been coming to terms with this, I had to confront the fact that my mother is battling a very aggressive form of breast cancer. Yes she is beating it but you never know when these things can sneak back up and bite you in the ass. Plus, she and I were on the phone last night talking about her hospital appointment to be marked for her impending radiation. The radiologist sent her for yet another cat scan, ‘just to be sure’, which is very thorough, yet still sends a little niggle of worry through me even though I know how fantastic her medical treatment has been and continues to be.

Add to the mix that I’m thousands of miles away from her. Yes it helps that we can talk on the phone every single day, sometimes twice a day if we feel like it. Yes I can send her little cards and gifts through the post to let her know how proud I am of her, and that I think of her all the time; but I feel like its not enough. (I’m sorry for mentioning this again, I know I’ve done so in previous posts.)

Andy and I are in the process of planning a trip to Ontario in October, primarily to meet my niece (which is long over due) and spend time with family and friends. We are going to try and make it a great holiday, getting out with friends and doing various activities (we would really like to see the national park) in between spending time with the family. Mom is pretty certain she will fly up to see me when I’m there, which would be fantastic. I would love to see her with the baby whom I know she loves so much (even though my own heart may hurt just a little.)

When I look at it all from this angle, I can assure myself that I’m not crazy, unhinged or a lost cause. I know that when I start to feel low it will pass and I will come out the other side feeling strong and healthy again – because I am. I’m a lucky woman for the blessings I do have in my life and I mustn’t spend time being sad about what can’t be, or might be. I have to be true to the girl I am: easy going and full of love for the people in my life, emotionally led maybe, yet with the ability to forgive - most of the time.

I have to live for today, this moment in time. And that’s exactly what I’m doing.

At least today :)

Carter Barr

Our dear friends Robert and Dawn left for Lake Como in the early hours of this morning. They've been planning this for a year and we couldn't be more happy for them (if not incredibly envious ;).  One evening last week Dawn came over for a glass of wine and raided my closet for a few extra items of clothing to take with her.  We are completely different sizes but I knew I had a few items that would work, like my long black maxi dress.  When she realized my wardrobe was full of only my clothes (Andy has his in the spare room) she exclaimed 'its like Aladdin's Cave in there!  Just when I think you can't have one more item for me to try, you pull something else out!'  My reply was 'You should see my sister's closet if you think this is bad'. 

Clothes aside, we needed to get to the important gear, shoes!  And even better we have the same shoe size.  Again she was slightly taken aback when she saw how many pairs of shoes I actually own.  She was like a kid in a candy shop and her face lit up when I pulled out yet one last small suitcase full of shoes that I adore yet hardly wear because they are only for really girly occasions or when I'm dressed to the nines: my stilettos or what I fondly refer to as Car to Bar shoes.  (I can't wear these very far as my ankles are weak and tend to roll). 

In the little suitcase was a pair of four inch, pink, open toed shoes that are worthy of Carrie Bradshaw.  I adore them, my sisters covet them and I've probably only worn them twice.  Dawn instantly had them on her feet and we talked about how great they would look with a little black dress or better yet, nothing else.  (Well they are going on a romantic getaway to Lake Como, Italy)

The other evening when I was over at Robert and Dawn's having a glass of wine in the garden, Robert mentioned the pink shoes.  He said (with a grin) that when Dawn initially pulled them out to show him, she told him what I called the shoes. Robert's reply? 'I've never heard of him'.  Dawn had just looked confused.  What did Robert mean he'd never heard of him?  Robert said, 'I've never heard of Carter Barr... I've heard of Jimmy Choo but not Carter Barr.'

Men eh ?

44 Years

He came into my life when the last thing I was looking for was another relationship.

He hates to say he's sorry and never did until he met me

(or so his mother says).

He's given me the greatest gift I've ever been given:

He gives the best hugs. 

He adores all things sweet and nothing will ever change that.

He refuses to let circumstances drag him down and remains optimistic even when I have long since given up - he will always fight the good fight especially if its something he believes in.

He is one the kindest men I have ever known.

He has given me more headaches then a girl should be subjected to (including two teenage boys :), however has proved that true love is worth fighting for.

Resourceful could be his middle name.

He handles the moments when I come undone exceedingly well, ready to give me whatever I need especially more wine ;)

Because of him I've seen some of the most amazing places this world has to offer and I can't wait to see more.

He appreciates my mother and loves her like his own - he also respects and admires the relationship I have with her.

In his arms is where I feel safest.

and lastly, (stop reading now if you are of a delicate nature):

he is hung like a horse -what more could a girl want in her guy?

Happy 44th Mr.A

 

Let's get our party on tonight :)

Cruise Control

Today has been an odd day for me. It started off well enough until I decided I’d treat myself to a McDonald’s bagel and coffee for breakfast. What’s up with that? I never do that anymore. And then I wonder why my weight isn’t shifting? For a start, I can’t remember the last time I worked out (not like me at all) and how can one possibly lose weight if they aren’t going to the gym or mind what they eat. Bah.

So I ate the bagel and drank my coffee and ended up feeling slightly sick. It was so not worth it.

And then:

I watched a man enter the building (I happen to have a room with a view) who looked rather pleasant and surprise, surprise he made his way to my area. His meeting had been scheduled for over a month, however I wasn’t expecting such a handsome, cheerful psychiatrist to turn up. I temporarily forgot about feeling queasy. (Sorry Andy, but even my boss David commented).

The radio was playing some great tunes and I was getting on with quite a bit of work as I thought of the coming weekend.

But then:

I started to think about what today is. Today is the day our 17 year old lad gets a car. A car of his very own, one that he will actually drive, all by himself. Not just sit in and pretend to cruise through the streets as Oasis belts out of his sound-system. I’m not going to go into how incredibly hard he worked to get his license, or bleat on about how extremely lucky he is to have his dad and I help him purchase said car (he needs it to get to his apprenticeship training in just over a few weeks and will pay us back over the coming year). Because I’m so very proud of him and all he has accomplished; he is such a mature young man. Yet this doesn’t change the fact that he is going to be on the road soon without an experienced adult in the car, driving around at the exposure of all the other crazy drivers out there. And I’m feeling just a lot sick to my stomach over the fact that I can’t keep him safe and that we have to let him do this.

I just have to remember to breath. I felt the same way when I proudly taught my sister to drive and she went out on her own. It’s just a fact of life, a rite of passage, a big old lottery of luck with a bit of skill thrown in.

So.

I’m going to go home and show my excitement (and bury my fear) when I see the little black Corsa on our drive and ask my boy if he’d like to take his daft (step)mom for a ride (providing his insurance came through).

More than treading water...

My mom can’t swim; she never has been able to. This is commonplace for many Newfoundlanders of her age group, despite the fact they grew up on an island, next to the sea. Her dad was a fisherman, and he couldn’t swim either. I honestly don’t think any of her sisters and brothers can swim. Because of mom’s fear of water, she made sure, 100% sure, that none of her children would grow up with the same fear. We were all enrolled in swimming lessons early on, and I remember helping my brother and youngest sister learn to brave the deeper water in the pool of our next-door neighbours. Because of mom’s determination, we can all swim, and we all love the water, especially the beach. She gave that to us.

I remember all the years that mom, a woman who can’t swim, took us kids to a lake or a beach. Just her and five kids amid all the mess that accompanies a trip to the lakeside: blankets, towels, sun-screen, food and drink. Mom is an avid reader but didn’t read while she sat on a blanket on the sand as she was too pre-occupied watching us children, always keeping us in sight even if a life-guard was on duty. (Shame more parents weren’t as diligent). As I grew older it was part of my job to help Mom and keep my eyes peeled for the others. It wasn’t hard as I was usually in the water with them.

One such day, my sister and I were messing around in the water at a lake that wasn’t familiar to us, as mom had taken us there with her friend Gail. This lake had quite a steep drop off that we were warned about. We must have been fairly young because Tawny wasn’t confident about swimming over her head yet. She was on my back as I walked back and forth along the edge of the drop off. I’m sure you know what’s coming here: I misjudged my step and over we went; and it was deep, incredibly deep, over my head by at least four feet. I could see the wall of the drop off as I was pushed down. You see, my sister was trying to climb from my back onto my shoulders in her quest to keep her head above water. It was terrifying, I think more so for Tawn, even if I had to remember not to breath in. I knew that I was going to have to try and get my sister off my shoulders if I was to get my head back above water. Eventually, I did. I grabbed my sister and pulled us back to firm footing. I then looked for my mom on shore, hoping she hadn’t seen us but she had. The look of horror on her face was plain. When we walked over to her on the shore it was obvious she had been crying. As she hugged us she exclaimed that she had been crying out for someone to help us, that we were drowning and no one would help. I tried to assure her that it wasn’t that bad, it was only a few minutes, but I can’t imagine her angst that day on the beach thinking that her children were going to drown and no-one was going to help (there wasn’t a life-guard on duty). But we were ok… it was ok. Because she had made sure we weren’t afraid of water, and had learned to swim, because I was always built like a line-backer while my sister was the size of a coat-hanger, it was ok. I saved us. I will always try to save us, no matter how we are flailing about – because that is what we do for each other. Mom taught us that.

Mom sees her oncologist today (whom she finds very attractive by the way) and is getting marked for her radiation. Thursday, she begins her third round of chemo.

Answers

A few weeks ago a meme was making the rounds where we answered five questions and passed a whole new set of five on. My sister, over at  Five Days in May threw out five questions of her own and (finally) here are the promised answers to her questions:

(I won't be asking five more as I've already done mine :)

1. Where is your favorite place to shop for clothes? I have a few choice places but I love Monsoon though I often have to wait for special occasions or the twice yearly sales as the clothes are a little out of my budget. I also love the shops in House of Fraser, again, not the best place to go when on a budget.  But I find I'm liking the more quirky styles lately and like a bit more individulality.

2. What would your very last meal consist of? This might be hard to believe but a really tasty chicken stir fry filled with fresh veg, especially sugar snap peas, water chestnuts, broccoli and button mushrooms… and a very large class of gold pinot grigio.  For dessert?  A chocolate brownie with vanilla pod ice-cream (or panacotta with raspberry coulis... I can't decide!) 

3. What’s your biggest regret? I will be perfectly honest here: Putting my family through a miserable hell by being a totally selfish prat when I was 20 and gamboling with my own life, to the point where I very nearly needed a liver-transplant. Hearing my dad tell my sister (via the phone) not to cry, that I was going to be ok and seeing the look of shock and un-answered questions on my mom’s face is a memory that will never leave me. Although I wasn’t the most horrible teenager and did take my role as big sister and first born seriously, I could act very selfish sometimes (what teenager doesn’t?) however that incident took the award for the most terrible and selfish thing I have ever done. And for that I will always be sorry.

4. How many hours a night do you usually sleep? On nights like the last few, four if I’m lucky. However my insomnia is sporadic and often I can get a good seven hours of only slightly broken sleep.

5. Name a city that you visited that you loved so much that you would move to if you could. Would your answer change if money wasn’t an issue? Hrrrm. I have been to a lot of cities: Quite a few European, a few Canadian and American and although each city has a lot to offer, for a variety of reasons, only a few stood out. I had never particularly wanted to visit Paris, but fell in love with it when I did, but I don’t know that I would want to live there, as romantic a notion as that sounds. The cities that stand out most in my mind are New Orleans (I visited before it sank), Paris and Dublin. Dublin because it was just so fun and laid back (kind of reminded me a little of an Irish Halifax). And I know I would have had more fun in New Orleans if I’d stayed longer; I’m not really someone that wants to live in any city really, I’m more of a sea-side, country living girl, but the question isn’t whether or not I’m a city or a country girl, so…. I think I’d chose New Orleans, if for no other reasons than the architecture, food and atmosphere.

Now I'm going to soak in the bath with a glass of wine, a piece of chocolate and Jasper Jones.  Good times I tell you.

Sometimes you can try too hard...

A few weeks ago when Jayne, Alex (our other psychologist) and I were moving into our new offices, we had to nip out to the local ASDA to pick up a few supplies as our offices weren't fully equipped with such items as bins and clocks (the rest of the crew aren't coming for a few weeks yet).  Jayne very kindly purchased a clock and bin for all of our offices and a not-inexpensive digital radio for me to keep in my office. (Have a mentioned that I have a great boss?) We all then picked up a few items to personalize our offices.

 I couldn't resist this mug, because its so me:

and I already had Amelia, a gift from mom when I was last home, to help me keep my screen clean:

All three of us bought plants, and both Jayne and I loved the little potted gerbera's;  Jayne picked orange and I of course chose pink.  I joked that mine might not live past two weeks because I don't have what some would call a green thumb. But I did have the best intentions. I really did.

 

This is how the plants look when we bought them, a mere three weeks ago:

Jayne's plant

This is how mine now looks:

Apparently you can over water a plant.  Oops.  I was so worried that I was letting it get too dry that I've almost drowned the poor thing. 

Ironically enough, yesterday after Jayne showed me what the problem was, she gave me a little gift she had bought at the weekend, something to help me look after my plant she said, although I probably won't need to use it for awhile... and we laughed and laughed.  It doesn't get more ironic then this:

Let's hope its not too late and I haven't killed my flower with too much love.

It could easily have been a pig roast if we'd had a pig...

Saturday night we had a bunch of friends over for our yearly summer bbq.  We normally try to have it to tie in with Canada aDay.  I take great pleasure in the fact that my friends say they look forward to it every year, especially the food.  This year the weather was perfect and Andy worked hard all day making the garden look presentable while I pottered about in the kitchen getting everything ready. 

Janice and Dawn

It was a great time.  The drink was flowing, the music was on and the food seemed to be a hit, especially the home-made baked beans made with Canadian maple syrup.  For dessert we had my mom's simple but yummy Strawberry Squares and Lemon Cheesecake.  (I never thought I'd reach a point in my life where not only could I cook, but I'd enjoy it)

Dee, Me & Alison

The pinata went over well with the kids and had the adults roaring with laughter.  Of course the bigger boys had no problems busting it open, therefore ensuring the adults didn't get a go. 

Connor finishing it off :)

Sharon's little stars, Becky and Aiden

Once it started to get dark Andy lit up the fire pit he is so proud of (and rightly so) and we moved to our smaller garden for a marshmallow roast.   We started talking about how fun and relaxing an open fire is, especially when roasting marshmallows;  my mates seem genuinely interested when they enquire about the lifestyle in Nova Scotia (or they are being very indulgent with me, but I never want to be considered a bore about 'back home') so when asked Andy and I started talking about all the great things Candadians like to roast, i.e. s'mores and sometimes even pigs.  Naturally, out came the big spicy sausages and folks then got down to serious business.  The sausages were messy and disgusting to look at by my, they were tasty.  Poor Dawn, who isn't a sausage eater was trying hard not to be sick.   I won't go into the running commentary from the men and boys, lol. Still, we had a lot of laughs; and a lot more to drink.

This can't be how it works...

Cameron and Connor

Naturally as we got a little drunker the music got a little louder and of course, the dancing began. 

Can't think of a better way to end a party.

Looking for motivation...

I noticed last night that it’s now been a week since my last post – and I had been doing so well… or at least was trying to.

It’s been a hectic time for me at work with moving into the new premises whilst still keeping on top of the actual workload and when I'm at home my time has been filled with important things like relaxing in the sun in the back garden, sorting out my new i-phone, taking our 14 year old snowboarding for his belated birthday gift, some much needed retail therapy (which we haven’t really budgeted for but sometimes a girl just needs this type of therapy, it’s much cheaper than real therapy after all) and of course the all necessary wine imbibing whilst in previously mentioned garden. And last night the beach was calling to us.

Sadly, the gym has been pretty much a no-go for me. I over did it with bodypump and combat classes and last week my knees were in a rage of protest, sending sparks of fire throughout my legs; ibuprofen was my best friend for a few days. Once the pain gave way and I’d had a brief rest, I seemed to have lost interest in going for the rest of the week and my tiredness won the battle against the gym. Tuesday night I forced myself back to bodypump and although my knee was screaming during the lunges, I persevered. I’m going to try and coerce myself back tonight, but as it’s gearing up to be another hot day, the beach just might be on the agenda again (it’s the easiest solution when you have a dog that needs exercising yet its still to warm at 6 pm).

As I mentioned, work has been really busy and when I’m not furiously sorting things out I’m taking a moment to try and sort out what kind of visa my sister needs to apply for to get herself over her for a much deserved break; We have delayed it by months and will continue to do so until mom’s treatment is complete, but Stacy needs to be thinking about it now (not that she hasn’t been thinking of it for months already ;), as there are a number of issues that need attending to. They’ve changed the Working Holiday Visa which figures, however there is another visa that is an option, and will hopefully be what we are looking for.

Everyone seems really excited over the possibility that Stacy will be coming to stay with us for an extended period, however there is no pressure from our end; Stace can come whenever she likes, for however long she likes, and if she decided tomorrow that it wasn't possible, we'd be sad but would understand - such is life when you have made the decision to live away from your family.  The boys do keep asking when she will get here though, its seems hard for them to grasp that Mom’s treatment is taking so long and that of course Stacy wants to be with mom until she’s finished her chemo and radiation. I too am relieved that she is there with our mother helping her through all of this. I won’t lie and say I’m not thrilled that Stacy wants to come over, and I know its not the pull of being with me so much as the fact that it’s a much needed break away from everything that’s been going on during the last year (some of these issues I’ve talked about here, but some I haven’t and will only say that it hasn’t been an easy year for Stacy either and she deserves to get away to a place where she can just chill out, maybe experience the English working life and quite possibly travel a bit). Besides, it’s something she has been planning almost since I moved to England, and why not? How many young university graduates have such an opportunity? How could you not take this opportunity when your sister lives in another country? I won’t be here forever.

Perspective

I was just running the bath and enjoying my second glass of wine last night when mom rang me as promised to fill me in on her blood counts etc. in preparation for her 2nd round of chemo today.  She was telling me how wonderful all the health care professionals have been (and continue to be) when she mentioned almost casually that she went and had her hair all buzzed off, since it was starting to fall out.  Mom has such a great attitude about all of this and the fact that we can smile and laugh with her about her experiences makes me feel a complete wally for being so agitated yesterday over work.  It was just a bad day, and compared to what my mom is going through, is easily gotten over.  (I won't even touch on what some of my friends and fellow bloggers have been going through with sick children, etc. - at least I can have a quiet night at home if I so chose)

Today is a new day and has gone much smoother than yesterday.  I enjoyed sitting in my bright, new office while I sorted out most of the problems from yesterday.   Tonight I'm meeting up with Beryl as she has her granddaughter Anne visiting from Ireland and would like me to particpate in the evenings activities. 

I do fear that more wine might be on the agenda - it usually is when Ber and I get together :)

Mom modelling her temporary hair :)

I think she looks beautiful.

I could easily drink the whole bottle...

Today started off badly, giving me a ominous feeling about the day to come; a feeling that wasn't unfounded. We moved offices yesterday and now instead of an easy 7-10 minute drive to work in the morning, I have to go to the other side of town which takes at least 20 minutes (provided I leave at around 7:40).  As I've mentioned before, I know most of you would laugh at this, but honestly, I hate sitting in traffic.  So I made the best of it and took the slightly longer drive through the country side to take in the glorious early morning scenery.

I arrived at work a few minutes past eight, and realized I'd left the new office keys at home so with a big sigh, turned the car around and drove back to get them.  Since it was a beautiful morning, I decided to take Molly for a quick jaunt around the field as I was now already late - it turned out to be the best part of my day.  Of course no one minded as I was still the first one to open up.   Although I'm not your typical morning person, I do like the feeling of being the first one into the office and getting everything sorted for the day ahead.  

If forgetting my keys was the worst thing to happen today, it would have been fine however there were a number of set backs that come with moving offices, however beautiful and brand-spanking new they are and by 3:00 I was ready to crawl under my desk and stay there; however I persevered and actually managed to share a few laughs with one of the psychologists prior to our team meeting.  I thought my day was maybe taking a turn for the better by this point (despite the fact my knees were killing me - what I get for three intensive gym classes over three days), but how wrong was I.  I won't go into details only to say that I wish I was finished for the week.  I'm sure tomorrow will sort everything out,  however for now I'm just going to drink my big glass of pinot grigio and forget about it.

A Good Man

I met Andy over eight years ago and was very apprehensive of the fact he was a father to three children under the age of 12. (Thankfully, my apprehension proved to be unfounded.) The reason we chose to live in England was because he is such a good and devoted dad that there was no way he could ever leave his children, and rightly so; I wouldn't have been able to go through life with a man who could abandon his kids.  Anyone who knows this man knows that he has a heart full of kindness and would bend over backwards to make sure his family had everything they needed.  This doesn't just end with his kids either.

Although I'm not fortunate enough to be the mother of his children I couldn't be prouder of the father he is.

I love you Andy - you are an incredible dad.

And then there was five...

When my mom had me she wasn’t married to my dad. For all accounts it was just me and her (and a gaggle of aunts who seemingly fought over me). It was a very real possibility that I might end up being an only child. However that was not to be.

When I was two and a half, mom married dad and a few months later came the arrival of my sister Tawny. I think she was a prettier baby than me, with dark curly hair and big brown eyes. Mom said I wasn’t a jealous big sister and I was happy to share with her although there were apparently times when I did give her the odd pinch (sorry!); more often than not I was pleased about the baby, so much so that once mom found me trying to stuff her into my doll’s crib – my own baby. Tawny was creative and agreeable, often following me from place to place – once following me out of the apartment at 7 am on a Saturday morning in our night dresses; another time she packed her bags with me to run God knows where when we were visiting our Nan one summer when I was eight and she was six; Thank goodness she wizened up to following me around – I was going nowhere fast evidently!

A few years later came another sister during my parent’s quest to have a son. Because Sandra has never conformed, it was only logical that she was not a boy. She had red hair and a fiery personality to match. Unlike Tawny and I, she wasn’t so agreeable and certainly marched to her own drummer, strong and independent. She was quick to say I hate you, but even quicker to say I love you.  Sandra definitely threw some variety into the mix. When there is a crisis, she's always there.

Finally, when I was nine, mom successfully gave my father his namesake. Turns out though, that John with his big liquid brown eyes and disgustingly beautiful long lashes shares only his name with dad; From all that mom has told us, I believe he is much more in nature like our maternal grand-father than our own. John is obviously a man that grew up surrounded by females: he is quiet, gentle, respectful and knows when to dissapear. If he ever marries he will have one lucky wife.

That was supposed to be it.

Although we had moved from an apartment to a house after dad left the navy, I was still sharing a room with my two sisters when at the age of 11, mom made the proclamation that there would be one more. I freaked out. I knew it would be a girl and that there would be four of us crammed into one little room.

But I was wrong (and right):

Mom and Dad built Tawny and I a room of our own downstairs and the following May came our very last sister. My parents had promised I could name the dark-haired baby with the pretty birth mark on her cheek and I chose Stacy (she is so not a Jennifer or Susan – what my father wanted). Because I was 12 and by then very used to babies, having had lots of practice with John and my cousins, mom let me have almost free reign with Stacy. She kind of became my own baby and rather than put her into a doll’s carriage, mom let me take her for long walks in her pram. I used to love taking our sweet natured little sister, with the softest voice you can imagine out for walks and to my school to show her off. By the time she was a toddler Tawny and I were spoiling her at every chance we could. She was our baby – she still is in so many ways although now a beautiful, confident young woman.

We are now all grown and settling into our adult lives. Most of us remain close, friends even, although a few of us are very far apart in geographical terms. We’ve had the usual family fall-outs but we always manage to pull together; Never more so than these last few months of mom’s illness.

I was watching Sense and Sensibility the other night (one of my favourite Austin adaptations) and it got me thinking about the relationships between siblings, sisters especially. How fortunate are we to have this incredible bond that will last us a lifetime no matter what is thrown at us?  I adore our amazing and flawed tribe and I couldn’t imagine what my life would have been like without them. Sure we have had our differences and I’m certain there are a few more brewing on the horizon, but we always recover and come back to what’s important – the friendships, the laughter, the love.

Stacy, Sandra, John, Me and Tawny (with our Clara on board)

Cupcakes & Change

Come the first week in July I will have been in my new job for one year. I know we all say it but time seems to be passing by so quickly. This time last year I was trying to get my head around a multitude of issues: I was missing my mother and Aunt Nita who had just returned to Canada, I was trying to get used to the idea that Polar, our beloved family dog was not going to be there to greet me anymore upon my holidays home to mom & dads, and I was beginning to despair that I wouldn’t find another job anytime soon. A week later and that all changed as I was offered this full time job. Full-time was anathema to me - I hadn’t worked full-time in over six years and I liked my part-time hours, they gave me the freedom to have long walks with Molly, to get in a work out during the day and best of all lunch and shop with Beryl. Yet I couldn’t refuse based on the hours – I needed to work and no part-time jobs were coming up. Besides it was a great opportunity career wise, and as Andy was no longer working away the extra money would come in handy.

So here it is a year later and professionally, it’s been a good year. I fit in well with this team; a team full of professionalism, respect and yes, most importantly support. I honestly believe that this team is where is will stay. However next week we are moving into a new building which will have so many benefits, mainly that the team will be together, not spread over 2-3 locations. Myself and my boss have been situated at the hospital site in a beautiful, listed building that I will hate to leave;  our new location will take me around 20 minutes to get to and now it only takes me around seven (those of you who commute an hour+ feel free to roll your eyes now); but it’s the admin gals that I don’t want to say good bye to most of all. We get on so well and even though they are technically not part of my team I shall miss them. We share a lot of laughs, a few recipes and a couple of gripes. One of the best perks of being with the girls is Dee bakes the loveliest cupcakes – delicious, moist, melt in your mouth cupcakes that are so beautifully decorated you don’t want to eat them. But you do. Oh how you do. (Thankfully its not a weekly event or I would be a lot heavier). We’ve decided though that we will meet up for a drink after work from time to time, and of course I will soon be hanging out in Dee’s kitchen trying to learn the basics of icing cakes because come September the two of us will be taking a cake-decorating course.

I think what’s bugging me (but only slightly) is that I yet again have to move offices and yet again meet new people that I have to share an office with. This will be the fifth time I’ve changed work locations (not jobs) since I moved here. Is it any wonder that I run into people I know wherever I go in this town? Gone are the days when I could dash to the grocery store in my sweats and not worry about being seen by someone I know (like I ever really worried about that anyway). Beryl often makes the comment that I’ve met more people here in 6.5 years than she’s met in 30. I suppose it was a good thing when I agreed to move 4000 miles to be with my love that I wasn’t the shy and reticent type.